Oak City Psychology

Serving the City of Raleigh and Surrounding Areas

Category: depression

The Difficulties of Waiting

I’ve been doing a lot of waiting lately.  Waiting for interviews, waiting to hear about jobs, waiting on people to send me paperwork so I could wait on other people to approve the paperwork, waiting for the right office to appear, waiting, waiting, waiting.  Let me tell you, I am not a good waiter.  Waiting makes me antsy.  Waiting makes me feel like I don’t know what to do next.  Waiting makes me feel like I want to skip over several weeks until “the good stuff” starts happening.  It makes me feel . . . stuck.

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this feeling.  I talk to people all the time who are waiting for things they can’t control.  Waiting on the call from a doctor with their test results, waiting on their partner to change, waiting on their kids to work through their stuff or get to the next developmental shift, waiting on themselves to work through their own stuff.

Waiting is hard.  It is not for the faint hearted.  It makes us question whether we’ve made the right decisions.  It makes us anxious with the possibilities of what is to come.  But it is also hopeful.  It lets us dream.  It lets us create fantasies of what could be.  It also allows us to find closure.  Often the reason we are waiting in life is because something has just ended.  We’ve just finished the last book in the series, and we can’t wait for the next one to be released.

Writing that next book is hard though.  It takes preparation and reflection.  If we jump straight into the next without finishing the last we don’t allow ourselves to learn, to grow.  So yes I’ve been waiting, as I’m sure many of you have been.  As a therapist, I often find sitting with the waiting to be one of the most difficult aspects of a session.  I often find myself wanting to help my clients find a solution.  I have a feeling this may be related to my own discomfort with waiting.  So, in this period of waiting, I challenge you, and myself, to sink into the waiting.  Let’s allow ourselves to truly learn from our last book, to let it’s teachings seep into us.  That waiting is hard and uncomfortable.  But that’s life.  Sometimes the good things are worth waiting for.

Putting the Thanks back in Thanksgiving

According to the popular history of America, the first Thanksgiving was celebrated with the Pilgrims and Native Americans in honor of the collaboration and new friendship between the two groups. It was time to give thanks for not dying during the first hard years in the New World and to honor the Native Americans who taught the newcomers how to live in this new world. Over the years Thanksgiving grew into a national holiday devoted to remembering the blessings of the past year.

Unfortunately, for a lot of Americans it has also become a time of extreme stress. Many people find the tension of a large family gathering difficult because of unhealed wounds. Many people feel pressured to present the “perfect” picture of Norman Rockwell happiness with perfectly carved turkey, homemade sides, and amazing desserts all displayed alongside perfectly manicured children who haven’t destroyed their special clothes for the occasion. This image is exploited by the advertising company in hopes of pressuring a few bucks out of those desperately searching for perfection at the holiday.

Between trying to balance family tensions and the pressure of creating the best meal yet, the true meaning of Thanksgiving can get lost. Now, I’m going to make a kind of extreme statement here, but I think it’s accurate. I think this loss of meaning for a holiday focused on blessings is a symptom of a greater problem in our society right now. For years, the western hemisphere has become obsessed with image and acquiring the newest and best. In this kind of environment, we have forgotten to look at the things we have and to live in the moment. This focus on the future and inability to find contentment in the moment leads to feelings of worthlessness at not being able to keep up with the Joneses, feelings of helplessness when factors out of your control (can anyone say economy) wreak havoc on your finances, worries about how you’re going to maintain the standard you have set for yourself, and a desparate search for something to numb the pain.

It is easy to see the descriptions of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and eating disorders in the previous paragraph. New research also shows some interesting connections between thankfulness and decreased depression and anxiety. One study found that participants who wrote down three things they were thankful for each day for three weeks saw an improvement in depressive symptoms for SIX months. Something as simple as being thankful decreased depression to a significant level.

So in honor of Thanksgiving, here are some ideas about bringing some of the true nature of the holiday into your holiday. In short, putting the Thanks back into Thanksgiving and getting rid of some of the stress, pressure, and family drama out.

1) Prior to the chaos of preparing the meal, tkae time to think about what you truly want people to feel while enjoying the products of your work. If you are honest with yourself, you probably want to impart a feeling of love and caring in your family as they enjoy each other’s company.

2) While preparing your meal, remember times from the past that were happy or made the holiday so special for you. Whether you’re cooking the traditional meal or bringing home Boston Market, focusing on you true purposes behind these preparations will help take some of the pressure off creating the perfect meal.

3) For that matter, get everyone involved in making the meal together. Rather than making the entire meal on your own, invite your family into the kitchen with you to share in the process of creating a meal together. Or, just have everyone bring a side dish. It will give you more time to relax before the family descends and leave you with a lot less clean up.

4) Whether or not your family prays prior to the meal, you may want to try to incorporate a way to share what you are thankful for just before the meal. It is nice to stand in a circle, hold hands with your loved ones, and give thanks for your blessings.

5) After the meal participate in something that has the family interact. If you all love football, by all means watch the game together. But, if that’s not your thing break out the board games, go for a walk, or simply sit by the fire (hopefully it’s cold enough for that).

These are just a few ideas to get you thinking about what this special time of year should really be about. I have a feeling that there may be a move back to the roots of Thanksgiving, simply because the financial hardships many are facing make it impossible to create the extravagant feasts that may have been a part of the past. Even in these tough times, the people who survive and even prosper are not necessarily the richest. Our lives are not about the things that we accumulate but about the times we spend with those who lift us up and bring us peace. I hope that you and yours are able to reconnect with the true thanks giving that this holiday is all about. Happy Thanksgiving.

Much Ado about Happiness

This may be the most often made statement in therapy – “I just want to be happy.” It’s amazing to me how often the person making this statement cannot answer the logical follow up question – “Well, what do you think would make you happy?” Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think they necessarily have to have a full, complete, detailed plan, but some idea of what happiness would look like would be helpful. What started me thinking about this common issue was an article from the October 5, 2009 issue of Newsweek. In that issue, Julia Baird wrote an article entitled “Positively Downbeat: Sometimes happiness isn’t everything.” The basic gist of the article was that we spend so much time trying to reach this goal of “being happy” that we forget to enjoy the process. I think she has a point.

I’m sure that you, just like me, have received the relentless message from your parents, your friends, your siblings, even exes that “we just want you to be happy.” And for the most part, we find this message comforting. It expresses unconditional love, in that no matter what you are doing as long as you’re happy I’ll be supportive. However, it can also be used as a weapon when someone disagrees with your actions, i.e. “The only reason I’m telling you that your boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person is because I want you to be happy.” or “The only reason I’m discouraging you from pursuing your dream of being a chef/artist/psychologist/fill in the blank is because I want you to be happy.” Am I discrediting the intent behind these words – absolutely not. Am I questioning the impact they have on the people who receive them – you bet I am. Humans are innately social creatures. We make determinations about our lives based on the reactions that we receive from other people. If you are surrounded by healthy people, who are completely unselfish in their intents, and will always think of your well being first, that’s a great way to be. However, if even one person that you trust and depend on employs the “I just want you to be happy” excuse to stamp on your desires and dreams, then you have a problem. Done over a repeated amount of time, in many different situations, the message becomes “You will not be happy until you agree with me.” Which in turn leaves you unable to decide what happy is for you.

In addition to these messages that most of us have gotten since birth, we are also living in a society where positive thinking has become the gold standard. Books, talk show hosts, even morning DJs encourage people to think positive in situations that in truth deserve, if not outrage, at least frustration. We are encouraged to ignore the unfair, unjust events that happen in our lives, in the pursuit of happiness. Friends try to convince us that “everything happens for a reason” and “it will all turn out for the best.” In all honesty, I’ve probably said these things myself when at a complete loss for words in the face of a loved one’s pain. Now, I’m not endorsing that you dwell on every negative event that has ever happened in your life. I am, however, endorsing that you allow yourself to experience the emotions that come along with these hard events. When we attempt to block our emotions, we usually end up blocking anger, sadness, guilt, and shame. Unfortunately, we usually end up blocking happiness, joy, peace, and contentment too.

So, the next time someone tells you “I just want you to be happy,” remember that your happiness may not match their picture of happiness. Use the tragedies of your life to learn about your strengths. I’m not saying that happiness does not exist, just that the paths we are currently taking to get there may actually lead to depression related to not understanding ourselves, anxiety over our abilities to be happy, or guilt about our inability to be happy. On our way to happiness, we may be missing laughter, joy, hilarity, and moments of grace. Many of us would be able to agree that the Dali Lama is a model for happiness – the secret to his happiness and probably to ours, is an open heart and mind to what is happening in the moment. Rather than a continuous focus on some vague happiness in the future, become mindful of the happiness that is occurring now.

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